Guest Cher Murphy and I will be discussing how to approach holiday gatherings, manage expectations, and even leverage the power of creativity when you're navigating family dynamics.
Guest: Cher Murphy, Anthropologist and Executive Coach
On LinkedIn | https://www.linkedin.com/in/chermurphy/
On 100 Coaches https://agency.100coaches.com/coaches/profiles/cher-murphy/
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Host: Dr. Deborah Heiser
On ITSPmagazine 👉 https://www.itspmagazine.com/itspmagazine-podcast-radio-hosts/deborah-heiser-phd
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Episode Introduction
Cher Murphy is an anthropologist and leadership advisor. She provides strategies to navigate the holidays. From getting more grounded, giving the holiday a creative twist, adding meaning to your outward-focused interactions, and becoming reflective, just employing one of her strategies is bound to make a difference for any holiday gathering!
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Resources
The Right Side of 40 (Substack): https://deborahheiserphd.substack.com/
Psychology Today: The Right Side of 40: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/contributors/deborah-heiser-phd
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Deborah Heiser: Welcome to after 40. I'm so excited to have you here with me today. Especially because we have Cher Murphy here. Share is pretty cool. She is an anthropologist who's ever known an anthropologist, and she's a leadership advisor. So she really knows about people from all angles. So if you're just joining us for the first time today. Welcome! I hope you'll check out the previous episodes.
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Deborah Heiser: and if you have been here before you're in for a real treat today so welcome share. I can't wait to hear all about how you're gonna tell us how we can prepare for and the strategies that we can have for navigating the holidays. Welcome!
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cher murphy: Great thanks! So much for having me, Deb. I always love spending time with you and people who want to spend time with you. I want to spend time with as well. So thanks for having me
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cher murphy: my great
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cher murphy: so great I would I you and I were just having a conversation about the holidays, and that's how this
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cher murphy: came to be conversation. And then I was thinking like, Well, how how do I even think about this all the time? So I probably should just share. You know, being an anthropologist, we study lots of things. My focus is culture. Well, first of all, anthropology is the study of humans.
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And I study human behavior and and the culture of humans. And so across all cultures there are definitely different holiday seasons. And so it's kind of woven into my work over the past few decades.
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cher murphy: And you know, especially being a leadership advisor, spending time with leaders and founders and people who run organizations and nonprofits.
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cher murphy: You know, we hear a lot about sometimes. What's challenging about the holidays? Right? So right now, one in 4 leaders, has a experience of being lonely
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cher murphy: and we're hearing more in media and social media about
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cher murphy: reminding people that you know, there are more people who are lonely. And so we could look at that piece. But how I like to look at. It is like, what's what can we? What's possible out of the holidays? And the answer, or maybe even a solution to like what the current experiences for people, especially after 40. So
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cher murphy: so you know, II divide this into, I think like 4 4 things. And the first one is really about being present. Right? You know, be present to
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cher murphy: what's happening for you in in response to the holidays. So you know, if you're not feeling like being around a ton of people. You know. Be be be present for that, and take some time for you.
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cher murphy: Yo, you know anywhere you live, if it's, you know, fall or winter, or sunny places, you know, for me to be outside and be in nature, and put my feet on a trail or you know. Just be present to what is happening. And let that give us some ability not to
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cher murphy: kind of play into this. You know holiday narrative that we have especially in the States and and in Western Europe, about what the holidays are supposed to look like.
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Deborah Heiser: So can I ask you a question? Then, if you're being present and you're at a big family gathering.
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Deborah Heiser: what could you do? Are you thinking like, take a walk, or how do you get yourself to be present if you're in a situation that you'd rather not be in
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cher murphy: right? Okay? So the first thing that automatically I'm also a yoga teacher. So the first thing that really gets human bodies present is to be aware of our breathing
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cher murphy: and to be around aware of our feet on the ground.
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cher murphy: So one of the things I like to talk about in breathing and being present is at whatever pace that you're breathing in. If you can breathe into a count of 4,
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cher murphy: but breathe out to a count of 6 or even 8 we will automatically
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cher murphy: feel our body and slow the pace of all of those and hormones going through the body. The pace of the cardiovascular system. Even though I like to sit with my feet off of the floor, to put my feet on the floor, to be present, and to feel my connected to. I know it sounds a little O out there, but to feel connected to the earth and where I am.
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cher murphy: and you know, if it's a big holiday event, and there's a lot of energy and interaction and stress. Sometimes to ask somebody to come with me on a walk like, let's just go take the dog, for you know I will tell you that my dog gets under feet, and sometimes it's best to say I have to take a dog for a walk.
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cher murphy: Bring one of my, you know, sisters or relatives or nieces with me, and really be present.
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Deborah Heiser: That's good advice and easy to do. Thank you.
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cher murphy: Yeah, all of these are very easy. I think the biggest one, though I think that's so helpful for me is around being creative.
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cher murphy: because be creative gives me an answer to all of the narrative about You know the the Norman Rockwell, or the you know the perfect family right? We don't have to keep all of the traditions I know a lot of women feel like we have to have the perfect dinner and the perfect decorations and the perfect. Thank you. List. And so this be creative to create what works for you in this stage of your life.
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cher murphy: or anybody's lives like we, I think, sometimes forget, because of all of the marketing and narrative and habits
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cher murphy: that
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cher murphy: we can cook different foods. We can do the dinner on Friday. We can create different activities. We can. We can add things in like having the family go on a family hike or participate in a Turkey trot 5 K. Event.
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There are a lot of
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cher murphy: things that we can be creative about. And that answer that whole kind of compare Despair. My family doesn't look like this. My situation doesn't look like this.
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Deborah Heiser: Oh, that's such good advice.
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Deborah Heiser: And II love that because even in the decades, as we change, some of those traditions don't match with where we are. And you mentioned Norman Rockwell, and you think, oh, I have to have it the way that I had it when I was a kid, or it has to look a certain way, and as we reach different decades, the kids leave the kids grow up, or Yo, when you have little kids, it it can. Being creative is a great
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Deborah Heiser: term for that, for changing how that narrative is for us.
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cher murphy: And I think also, giving ourselves to be able to be creative? Can we can give ourselves a Sabbatical like in our family this year? We gave ourselves a Sabbatical from a big tradition.
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cher murphy: and we're recreating it. In a in a new geographic place, in a different way. And and who knows? We can be creative and go back to our tradition next year.
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Deborah Heiser: Love it, love it
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cher murphy: so, I think. The next one I'd like to share is be a force for good
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right, I think sometimes when the narrative about family tradition holidays
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cher murphy: it's all self-centered on the self. and I think one of the best ways that I've learned over the last. I don't want to say 30 something. Years is when I get very self-involved. One of the best solutions is to look into the community
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cher murphy: and find other people that I can be helpful. Be a force for good. That can be in the community. It can be in my friend's circle sometimes for me. It's you know. I've had a friend who's had a a family member pass away, and I take them a small special special special package or gift
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cher murphy: to tell them I'm thinking of them sometimes. There was a period of time in my family where we lived in Houston, and we ran a part of the feeding the homeless for 40,000 people in the city of Houston every year, and that's what we did for Thanksgiving.
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cher murphy: you know, any way, that we can be a force for good and be a force for connection
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cher murphy: will always yield 10 times whatever I put into that piece of it.
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Deborah Heiser: Oh, what good advice you know getting involved outside yourself! What a an anxiety reducer! And what a way to combat loneliness. For sure. You know, if you're out with other people doing things
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Deborah Heiser: getting involved in the community, and what meaning.
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Deborah Heiser: you know, holidays are all supposed to have meaning, but that's one really great way to add meeting.
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cher murphy: you know. I will say that. the meaning that happens, you know, for our fan, for my family for me out of being able to make a difference
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cher murphy: is is always the is kind of such a driver, for you know happiness for me for understanding, and that that really goes into, I think, the last piece which is, be reflective.
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I think, in my world, working with so many different leaders and organizations.
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cher murphy: We forget to be reflective.
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cher murphy: and the holidays sometimes can be a time when we miss the people who aren't with us any longer, and so not to, you know, fall into a very big piece of reflection, but to remember the happy moments or the people who are gone, and what they gave us. You know I lost a dear friend
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cher murphy: years ago, and Thanksgiving, and it was a very big holiday for her, and I and I don't go into hours, but II always remember Dorothea on Thanksgiving, knowing that I spent time with her. I have a few little of my own rituals to remember her.
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Very tiny things
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cher murphy: and but it's a really good place to reflect on. On being grateful. If that's a place that you can practice gratitude. Remembering the people that we love, who are no longer with us, and also to look at how much we've grown and changed for a year right? The the holidays. You know, are a great time to think about.
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cher murphy: You know what's been good. You know what we wanna change and intentions for the next year. But being reflective is probably one of the most undervalued things that we can can do as humans.
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Deborah Heiser: Why do I agree with you on that, you know. Reflect, being reflective
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Deborah Heiser: really does allow you to feel grateful for the things you take for granted all the time. and you know you bring up some great points.
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Deborah Heiser: We can go through holidays and take them for granted as just another day, with a lot of rituals involved that we aren't placing meaning on.
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Deborah Heiser: But you gave some advice to get yourself grounded, you know. Put your feet on the ground literally. I actually did the breathing exercise silently while you were doing it, and I felt automatically. It makes you relax
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Deborah Heiser: and to be creative, boy. What a great idea! If you move, you know, or or you're in a new situation. You're on a transition. Get creative, because then you get to define your holiday. You're not chasing after an image
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Deborah Heiser: and having the meaning attached to things like putting yourself outside yourself into the community and other places. And being reflective like you said, I think anybody can do that. I think anyone, even if you employ just one of these strategies.
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Deborah Heiser: This is gonna be a winter holiday for you.
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cher murphy: Yeah, it's so funny. I'm not the traditional person who loves holidays. I don't. You know. I don't have a set of candles that go out. I don't.
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cher murphy: But I've always loved the holidays because it's such a time to create and reflect and design
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cher murphy: and look forward, because, you know, there are things we? We know we're, you know, that. Always joke with you about this, too. You know we knew 2 things will be born and and we'll leave here.
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cher murphy: and it's our chance to define who we want to be and our actions. These, you know, these 4 5 actions can determine, can help us on who we want to be
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cher murphy: while we're here.
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Deborah Heiser: I love that
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Deborah Heiser: Cher Murphy. What a treat to speak with an anthropologist! I've never spoken with an anthropologist about something culturally happening. This is so cool and a leadership advisor, you know, you really do have the
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Deborah Heiser: pulse of everything happening with people all over the place.
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and it's a real treat to be able to get to talk to you about the holidays. So thank you very much for giving us some strategies to navigate the holidays.
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cher murphy: Thanks for having me, Deb. Be well, and take care everybody. All right. Take care bye.